Writing What I Know: Toxic Mothers

CW: Mentions of parental neglect and abuse

Happy Spring! It’s another rainy day over in my neck of the woods, but I’m not complaining. I love rain. I love the sound of it pitter-pattering against my windows. I love the smell of it. I love standing out in it—as long as it’s not storming—and I love the feel of the cool drops as they hit my face. I’m the kind of girl who loves dancing in the rain, much to my mother’s dismay.

And that’s what we’re going to talk about today. Moms, specifically toxic moms—which I might know something about.

The Melodrama Mama Club

If you’ve been reading my blogs, then you know that some of my fictional people have some serious mama drama going on in their lives. Nick, Karina, Marissa, Tom, Aria, Ash, Ewelina, Darek, and Agnieszka are all unwilling members of the Mama Drama Club. And while most of the mothers aren’t actively present in the stories, their influence is definitely felt.

Nick

Nick hates his mom, and for good fucking reasons. His mother is a self-absorbed narcissist who cares more about appearances—who cares more about her social status and livelihood—than she does her own children. Nick was never a priority in his mom’s life. None of his siblings were. His mom was all about living it up. She was more concerned about hosting galas and going on lavish vacations when she wasn’t ruling over her realm. She was never a mom, just like his dad wasn’t a dad. Everything fell on Nick’s shoulders.

Nick grew up quickly, assuming the role of parent at an early age. He was the one who took care of his siblings, way before he even adopted Aria. He was the one who was responsible for his siblings’ wellbeing. He was the one who tended to their needs. He was the one who made sure they got to school on time and helped them with their homework. He was the one who taught them how to read, how to use their magic, how to ride a bike, and drive a car, among many other things.

It’s why Nick’s the responsible adult that he is today. It’s why he’s considered the “Dad” of the group. It’s why people go to him for advice and turn to him in times of unrest and crisis. And while his mother and father’s neglect have helped shape him into the strong and responsible leader that he is today, it doesn’t change the fact that Nick was robbed of his childhood. Nick won’t admit that it bothers him—he’ll pretend he doesn’t care—but he still holds a ton of hatred and resentment in his heart.

Karina

Karina’s mom abandoned Kari when she was just nine-years old. They were visiting her aunt in Poland, when her mom just left in the middle of the night. She never said goodbye, never said a single word to anyone before she vanished. Karina’s mom never explained her reasoning, leaving Karina feeling bereft, abandoned, and alone. Karina blamed herself for the longest time, thinking she did something wrong, and fully believing that it was all her fault. But it wasn’t.

Thankfully, Karina’s Aunt Lilia stepped up and adopted her, taking care of Kari like she was her own. The two of them grew close and have remained close to this very day. And while Karina did have a motherly figure—one who was a positive influence—she still has some major abandonment issues. Karina fears rejection. She’s scared of being abandoned again, and that’s why she has this diehard, unwavering loyalty to those who stick by her side and remain a constant presence in her life. But that blind loyalty becomes a problem, and she pays a price.

Ewelina

Ewelina is estranged from her mom. The two of them were never particularly close, and it’s because they don’t have much in common. Not only are they opposite personality-wise, but they have conflicting beliefs, morals, and values, which causes a lot of conflict in their nearly nonexistent relationship. And that’s just part of the reason why they only speak twice a year.

I’m still exploring Ewelina’s relationship with her mom, so I don’t know the full details of their conflict just yet. But it will all unravel once I dive back into her story.

Darek

Darek has a complicated relationship with his mother. Despite divorcing at an early age, much to his mother’s disappointment, Darek earned her forgiveness and respect by becoming a successful doctor. His mom puts him on a pedestal, encouraging his siblings to emulate him. And Darek hates it. He hates the spotlight, hates being the center of his mother’s world. But most of all, he hates how his mother treats his sister, hates how she constantly puts Agnieszka down, all because she didn’t keep with the family tradition of becoming a doctor. The more his mother berates his sister, the more Darek distances himself from her.

Agnieszka

Agnieszka despises her mom. And that’s because her mother is an overbearing perfectionist with control issues. Agnieszka’s mom has impossibly high standards, ones that Agnieszka can never meet, no matter how hard she tries. Nothing she does is good enough. Nothing. Her mother is hypercritical, constantly nitpicking at every little thing. Her mom criticizes Agnieszka’s outfits, her hair, her makeup, her food choices, her home décor, her car, her friends, her career, and more. You name it, Agnieszka’s mom has a fucking problem with it. She cannot be satisfied.

Her mom has no respect for Agnieszka whatsoever. She doesn’t respect Agnieszka’s boundaries. She doesn’t understand the word “no.” Her mom loves having power over her, loves playing the mother-knows-best card every chance she gets. She has this fucked-up belief that just because she birthed Agnieszka—that just because she raised her and provided for her—that she can treat her own daughter like dirt. She believes that she’s owed respect, but she’s not.

And Agnieszka doesn’t respect her mom at all. The more her mom criticizes her, the more Agnieszka rebels, distancing herself from her mother. Agnieszka’s reached the point where she’s refusing to be her mother’s punching bag, and some of that will play out in the story—at least, from what I see right now. But I’m not sure if it’ll make the final cut.

But what I do know for sure is that Agnieszka’s toxic relationship with her mother has shaped her personality, has shaped her beliefs, and values. And she’s not alone in that aspect. All of my fictional people have been shaped by their upbringing, by what their family life was like, and by their environments. And that’s something I’m going to talk more about in future blogs.

I’m sorry for the delay. Shit hit the fan yesterday and I wasn’t in the headspace to format and edit a blog last night.

Update

New life bites are coming this week, so be on the lookout for those. You’ll be able to find them under the Life Bites section, which is under the Extras menu. I’m also working on character mood boards. I’m hoping to have Nick’s board posted by the beginning of next month.

Karina’s blog is on track for the weekend of May 4th. Her backstory takes place a few months before the start of her actual story, and it’ll showcase what her life was like before everything got flipped upside down on its fucking head.

The summer blog schedule will be posted by the first week of June. All blogs will be posted on the weekends going forward. Fridays are just too hectic, and I’m drained by the time my day is done. So, I need to adjust the blog schedule. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Anyway, that’s all I have for you today. As always, stay safe and stay healthy. Until next time.

Cheers,