Writing Through Loss & Grief

Content Note: Mentions of death and grief

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon here. The sun’s bright rays shimmer through my office window, warming my skin and lifting my spirits. As I sit here in silence, listening to the wind rip the remaining leaves off the trees, I’m inundated with memories. Memories of a friend gone too soon.

I remember the endless Fridays we spent drinking wine and chatting about anything and everything that came to mind. I remember hitting the bars and clubs, drinking and dancing our nights away. I remember our double dates. I remember our shopping sprees and casual get-togethers. I remember hitting up summer concerts and festivals with our circle of close friends. And most importantly, I remember how she stood by my side on my wedding day.

I can still hear her voice and laugh just like it was yesterday, even though it’s been years since we’ve talked. Life happened, pulling us both in different directions. We promised to catch up; planned on grabbing dinner and drinks one day. But one day never came. One day became never again. Now, the only things left are pictures and memories and pain.

And I know one day the heartache will ease and the wounds will heal, but the scars will forever remain. I’m no stranger to grief. I’ve lost plenty of people who I loved and cared for over the years including my father, stepfather, grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, and pets. And even though I’ve walked down this heart-shattering path before, the journey never gets any easier. Each loss has left a hole in my heart and my soul, a void that can never be filled.

People aren’t replaceable. Pets aren’t replaceable. Grief doesn’t come with a time limit. In my experience, grief is something that’s everlasting. It’s always there. It might not come to the surface every single day, but certain things can trigger it—songs, scents, movies, events, places, special occasions—can tear open those old wounds. And once again, you find yourself heartbroken and bereft, feeling that loss all over again.

Grief is a bitch. Normally, I like to throw myself into my work—real healthy, I know—and normally, writing is the perfect distraction. I tend to work through my feelings on paper, letting my emotions bleed out of me, and it’s helped in the past. But not this time. This time there was no escaping my inner turmoil.

And I think it was because Ryan and Ash’s story dealt with death and the afterlife in certain aspects, and it triggered me. The wounds were too fresh, too relatable, and I just couldn’t write or edit my way through the pain. Every single time I would get to a certain scene, I would just shut down. Completely.

But I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to quit. I’m not a quitter. So, I plopped my ass down into my chair and sat in front of the computer, fighting and searching for words. But instead of polishing the story, I was only making things worse. It sounded robotic and flat, completely and utterly void of any emotion. And after proverbially banging my head against my desk over and over again, I took my husband’s advice, and I shelved their story.

He told me self-care wasn’t quitting, that if I continued pushing myself, I would likely burn out. And he was right. I was—and am—emotionally and mentally exhausted. I didn’t have it in me to finish Ryan and Ash’s story. I didn’t want to force it. I didn’t want to publish something that was half-assed. I didn’t want to post something that I wasn’t proud of. My readers deserve better, and so do I. So, I shelved their story until Halloween of next year.

It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right decision. I needed the break, needed to take some time to relax and reflect. And I’ve been doing just that. I’ve been focusing on simple tasks lately. I’ve been making playlists and mood boards and hanging out on Pinterest—just doing things that don’t require a ton of mental energy. I’m still writing, still working on my WIPs and short stories, but I’m staying away from the heavier scenes. For now.

Lately, I’ve been drawn to cozy romances that are filled with light-hearted fluff. I just finished outlining Ryan and Ash’s holiday short. Scenes from their slice of life keep flashing in my head, playing out in short spurts like highlights from a TV episode. So, naturally, I’ve been jotting everything down as fast as I can, typing furiously while trying to keep up with Ryan and Ash. And honestly, I can’t wait to start working on their story. Their slice of life is exactly what I need right now—fun and casual with plenty of banter, minimal drama, and some holiday hijinks.

Ryan and Ash’s slice of life will be a his and hers blog, which will feature two different perspectives of the same backstory, that takes place on the night before New Year’s Eve. I’ve already started working on their playlist and Pinterest boards—which have opened the floodgates of inspiration—and I’ll be sharing both at the beginning of next month.

But I’m not gonna make any promises. I’m not gonna push myself or force the words when they refuse to flow. I’m gonna relax, spend time with my family, embrace the memories, and take each day one step at a time.

Update

The holiday blog schedule has been posted and can be found on the Announcements page. Ryan and Ash’s Holiday Slice of Life (title to be determined) is scheduled for Sunday, December 28^th. The next Writing Life blog will be posted on Tuesday, December 30^th. As usual, I’ll be talking about the past year, and my future plans, which will include an update on Nick and Karina’s book.

I’m also hoping to publish another life bite and post Nick’s mood board before the end of the year. I have a lot that I want to accomplish before 2025 comes to an end, but I refuse to pile anything else on my proverbial plate. It’s already stacked and the last thing I need or want is to burnout. I don’t have the luxury of burning out. So, bear with me. I’ll bounce back. I always do.

Thank you for sticking with me and thank you for reading my blogs. It means a lot. As always, have a safe and healthy holiday season. Until next time.

Cheers,